And a doll shall lead them

This is a human:

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This is a plastic doll:

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The human, a Ukrainian woman named Valeria Lukyanova, has surgically altered herself to look like a doll. Weird, right?

No. This is the weird part (from GQ):

Valeria grows pensive, which in her case means rolling her eyes slightly upward without changing anything else about her face. “I wouldn’t say so. Everyone wants a slim figure. Everyone gets breasts done. Everyone fixes up their face if it’s not ideal, you know? Everyone strives for the golden mean. It’s global now.”

“But that’s a relatively new thing,” I reply. “The ideal of beauty used to be different.”

“That’s because of the race-mixing.”

If I had a glass of multi-chutney carrot-juice mix before me, I’d do a bright orange spit take.

“For example, a Russian marries an Armenian,” Valeria elaborates helpfully. “They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type—perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.”

I feel like checking my watch. We’ve gone from nails to eugenics in about two minutes flat.

I realize that just like everyone reading about Human Barbie, I had had a simple narrative prepared in my head: A small-town girl grows up obsessed with dolls, etc. Instead, I get a racist space alien.

Just let that sink in. The human is real. But the doll has better values.

Here’s a video of the human:

And here’s a video of the doll:

Is it time to give up on humanity?

Grape expectations

Business Insider has put together a map ranking wine consumption by state. Here are the results:

imageOK. That looks like New Hampshire is the winner, but it’s not.

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The winner is Washington, D.C. So this chart tells me that the District of Columbia gets so drunk, it thinks it’s a state.

Meanwhile, let’s look at the biggest wine consumers in the world:

image-2All right, wild guess. That looks like France leads the way. Of course, I’m wrong again:

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Vatican City? Well, OK, yeah, that’s a country, and a not very sober one, but in a place with only 800 people, I’m sure the wine industry isn’t running special ads to get more Vaticaners (is that what you call a resident of The Vatican?) to buy more wine before it’s time.

And Andorra? Isn’t that like a suburb of France and Spain?

The colonel doesn’t take sides …

Bjrqn9LCcAEQMg0.. he serves them.

Big basketball game tonight in Indianapolis. I’m on the road in a half hour.

I know a corporation isn’t going to pick sides in its home state, but really, you can’t NOT have a side when it comes to this rivalry.

The colonel strikes me as a Wildcats fan. Will probably see Ashley Judd there, most definitely not in the section I’m sitting in (I can’t afford the seats she’ll get).

So, GO CARDS!!!

The right to a RIGHT life

The giveaway on why this isn’t a real commercial for pharmaceuticals is because no part of it talks about the side effects. Every pharmaceutical ad on television tells you the side effect of anything you take is death. Listen to one sometime. So the side effect of this ad would be if you want to breed correctly, you’ll die.

Besides, the folks in the above ad aren’t real Republicans. The ones below are:

Just kidding.

But the second ad was made by the Republican National Committee. And it’s hard to determine which of the two is the real fantasy.

See even when the GOP makes an ad, you think it’s a parody.

(Via Jezebel)

Bill Nye (the creationists’ guy)

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Bill Nye, a creationists’ best friend, at a Feb. 4 debate on evolution at the Creation Museum in Kentucky.

Remember a few weeks ago when Bill Nye “The Science Guy” went to the Creation Museum in Kentucky to hold a debate on evolution. In my non-blogging real life, I was telling anyone who would listen that he was a complete idiot for doing that.

Why?

Because there is no debate. Creationism is religion. Evolution is science. The only thing Nye would end up doing would be to draw more attention to the Creation Museum. And in the real world, publicity goes a lot further than “book learnin’.”

But Nye went and did it anyway. And the result was a disaster.

Why?

Because this was the state of things for the Creation Museum in 2012 (Via Yahoo News):

The people behind this museum are looking to erect something much bigger: a 160-acre park with a life-size replica of Noah’s Ark built to stand 500 feet long and 80 feet high. …

The group initially announced that it expected to break ground on the park in 2011, before eventually pushing that date back to 2014. But in June, in an interview in the Creation Museum’s “Noah’s Cafe,” Ark Encounter vice president Michael Zovath told Yahoo News that the group no longer has a date in mind for the construction to begin. It has been unable to raise sufficient amounts of money, despite pleas to the Creation Museum’s visitors to donate to the project.

“Fundraising is really tough,” Zovath said, blaming the recession. “It’s not moving so fast as we hoped.” The private LLC that is building the park would need to raise another $20 million before it can break ground, he said. So far, it’s taken in $5.6 million in donations and $17 million in private investments.

To add to the bad news, the Creation Museum is having its lowest attendance year yet. Last fiscal year, 280,000 people visited, compared to 404,000 the first year it opened in 2007.

And what happened after the Bill Nye debate? (Via NPR)

Ken Ham, the founder of the Creation Museum who last month debated TV personality Bill Nye “The Science Guy” pitting his Biblical literalism against Darwinian evolution, says the highly publicized showdown has been like manna from heaven for a foundering $73 million Noah’s Ark theme park. …

Nye is widely viewed as having won that debate, but Ham may have gotten the last word: On [Feb. 27] he announced that his Creation Museum’s proposed Noah’s Ark theme park, including a 510-foot replica of the Biblical vessel, had against all odds secured a last-minute $62 million municipal bond offering. The miracle was God’s, he said, but Nye also had something to do with it:

“The date of my debate with Bill Nye had been on our calendar several months before we knew the final delivery date of the Ark bonds. But in God’s timing, not ours—and although the bond registration had already closed before February 4 and no more bonds could be purchased— the high-profile debate prompted some people who had registered for the bonds to make sure they followed through with submitting the necessary and sometimes complicated paperwork.”

And that’s why Bill Nye can now take full responsibility for ratcheting up the dumbing down of America. He owes us all an apology.

As I’ve said before, there is more legitimate science in the theme song of “The Big Bang Theory” than there is in the entire Creation Museum.

Lego builds a movie franchise

I went to see “The Lego Movie” under ideal conditions. A Thursday matinee in Louisville in a modern theater containing only three people. It’s usually fun to watch a kids’ movie with kids around, but it have to be your kid, and mine is now in his 20s and had to work that day.

So, anyway, I got to see the movie and hear all the jokes without the distraction of 5-year-olds kicking the back of my seat and asking their moms to buy them a Batman Lego set when the movie was over.

This was a pretty good marketing move for the Danish company. (What? You thought Lego was American? Think Lincoln Logs instead — which actually started in Japan). Lego is a multibillion dollar (euro? krone?) enterprise going through massive growth. Here’s a chart that shows how well it’s doing:

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That’s a lot of building blocks.

A lot of these franchises are represented in the movie (and the voices of C-3PO and Lando are really the voices of C-3PO and Lando). And since it is, as they say, “Fun for the whole family,” expect a lot more currency to end up in Lego’s coffers. And since it comes from Fox studios, there goes more dollars into Rupert’s pockets.

Anyway, here are the (scripted) outtakes:

As you can tell, the movie’s a lot of fun. Even when there are a lot of kids around.

So long Jay Leno. I hardly knew ye.

It’s hard to believe Jay Leno had been the host of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” for 22 years:

What’s harder to believe is that I’ve never seen a complete episode of “The Tonight Show” since Jay Leno has been host.

The last full episode of “The Tonight Show” I remember watching was Johnny Carson’s last show.

I really thought, after that, why watch anymore. And I haven’t seen a full late night talk show since.