I wasn’t going to say anything about Mickey Rooney dying …

… because I figured everyone knew who Mickey Rooney was, so why even bother?

And then I saw this:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

And this is why I don’t watch television news anymore. I can see maybe one person confusing Mickey Rooney (famed child actor and legendary movie star who died April 6, 2014) with Andy Rooney (famed old curmudgeon and irritating television guy who died Nov. 4, 2011). … No, strike that. I can’t see anyone confusing either of them.

This is Mickey Rooney:

This is Andy Rooney:

Jeez. I know who Lady Gaga and Ella Fitzgerald are.

But one thing for sure. Andy Rooney unlike his television brethren, knew who Mickey Rooney was.

Just because it isn’t happening here …

This is how fast everything can go to hell. And this is what children throughout the world go through every day.

That was an ad, with actors. This was real:

As the correspondent said, this is how arbitrary war can be. But even in an arbitrary war, the weapons have to come from somewhere.

Syria’s weapons come from Russia. But Russia isn’t the world’s largest arms exporter (via The Economist):

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FIVE countries—America, Russia, Germany, China and France—accounted for three-quarters of international arms exports over the past five years. China tripled its share in that time, overtaking France. It is on track to surpass Germany to become the third-largest arms dealer. Business is brisk. Overall, sales between 2009 and 2013 were 14% higher than the previous five-year period, according to the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute, which tracks the arms trade. China sells to 35 mainly low- and middle-income countries, but is also a big importer (two-thirds of its weapons come from Russia). America exports to over 90 nations, with aircraft making up most of its sales. Russia exports more ships than any other country. Its weapons exports have significantly increased, thanks in part to being India’s biggest supplier, accounting for three-quarters of its arms purchases. As for Ukraine, it exports more weapons than Italy or Israel. But with regional tensions flaring, it may choose to keep some of those arms for itself.

That’s right. Business is brisk. People are making a lot of money off of death. But as far as they’re concerned, it doesn’t pay to see who’s dying.

And a doll shall lead them

This is a human:

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This is a plastic doll:

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The human, a Ukrainian woman named Valeria Lukyanova, has surgically altered herself to look like a doll. Weird, right?

No. This is the weird part (from GQ):

Valeria grows pensive, which in her case means rolling her eyes slightly upward without changing anything else about her face. “I wouldn’t say so. Everyone wants a slim figure. Everyone gets breasts done. Everyone fixes up their face if it’s not ideal, you know? Everyone strives for the golden mean. It’s global now.”

“But that’s a relatively new thing,” I reply. “The ideal of beauty used to be different.”

“That’s because of the race-mixing.”

If I had a glass of multi-chutney carrot-juice mix before me, I’d do a bright orange spit take.

“For example, a Russian marries an Armenian,” Valeria elaborates helpfully. “They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type—perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.”

I feel like checking my watch. We’ve gone from nails to eugenics in about two minutes flat.

I realize that just like everyone reading about Human Barbie, I had had a simple narrative prepared in my head: A small-town girl grows up obsessed with dolls, etc. Instead, I get a racist space alien.

Just let that sink in. The human is real. But the doll has better values.

Here’s a video of the human:

And here’s a video of the doll:

Is it time to give up on humanity?

Remember when Miley Cyrus was wholesome?

Once upon a time, there was a teenage singer who captured the hearts of the folks in the heartland:

At some point she realized that being wholesome could land you a comfortable gig and moderate success doing covers of country songs at Dollywood, but being slutty would make you a global phenom:

I give the kid credit. She knew where one image would lead her, so instead she chose super stardom. That’s an extremely smart business decision, and she’ll be a success for a very long time.

The right to a RIGHT life

The giveaway on why this isn’t a real commercial for pharmaceuticals is because no part of it talks about the side effects. Every pharmaceutical ad on television tells you the side effect of anything you take is death. Listen to one sometime. So the side effect of this ad would be if you want to breed correctly, you’ll die.

Besides, the folks in the above ad aren’t real Republicans. The ones below are:

Just kidding.

But the second ad was made by the Republican National Committee. And it’s hard to determine which of the two is the real fantasy.

See even when the GOP makes an ad, you think it’s a parody.

(Via Jezebel)

Ground rule parenting and spring training

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Now this is a dilemma. As a parent, do you go for the ground rule double, or do you keep your hand on the kid’s wagon?

OK, it’s spring training, and it’s just the Mets against the Marilins.

But isn’t the answer obvious?

You go for the ball! I have to paraphrase Tom Hanks in “A League of Their Own”: There’s no stroller in baseball!

The kid in this clip has a baseball cap and glove. He should have been out of the wagon waiting to catch balls coming over the fence. I think back to when my kid was that age, and I was a member of my company’s softball team. On game day, my son was standing in the outfield right beside me, no wagon, no stroller. (Until, of course, he had to stand by himself when I had to run to catch a fly ball.) This went of for years until he grew enough to play with the team.

The kid in this video has a long way to go.

What makes it worse is mom was there. She’s never going to let dad live this down, but notice she doesn’t have the other kid in the wagon. That’s the way it should be.