One minute, you’re an infant, and then you look in the mirror and see your life is almost over.
Yes, Disney owns the Muppets. After all.
(via Distinguished Baloney: click to enlarge)
I haven’t touched a Rubik’s Cube in decades, and when I did touch it, it took forever to solve.
So this is just designed to make us feel dumb.
Chuck Jones was great with the Bugs and Daffy routines, and his Road Runners were brilliant. But his Tom and Jerry cartoons were dreadful. The cat and mouse were too cute. The true Tom and Jerry master was Fred Quimby.
Here’s a Chuck Jones Tom and Jerry (see how baby-like they are):
And here’s Fred Quimby in action:
Temple Grandin is autistic. She’s also one of the important minds in cattle research and management.
There was an HBO movie about her starring Claire Danes, which was pretty good. It gave a very clear explanation of the life of an autistic person.
The thing I find interesting in this Ted Talk is that I get the feeling when she says things that people laugh at, she isn’t intentionally telling a joke. She’s just relaying information, knows that people are laughing, but doesn’t comprehend why they think its funny.
But that doesn’t stop her, because she has a point to make.
Drew Magary at adequateman.deadspin.com put this list together. I have a kid who’s all grown up, and yes, I said this to him a million times, but without the cursing. And when my son has a kid, he’s going to say this a million times:
“Close the door.” How fucking hard is it to close a door? Why are you standing IN the doorway? A door is not a toy. You know what? Leave the door open. Just get away from it so that I can close it. That’s all I ask.
This applies to all doors, by the way. Children will open a fridge door and keep it open for hours at a time. I can’t tell you how debilitating this is. All the food will go bad, you little fucker. CLOSE THE DOOR.
- “Where is your mother?” Where the hell did she go? Did she lock herself in the closet to hide from you? I’ve done that. She’s not allowed to steal my moves, man. All of you conspired to start screaming the second she left the room. Where is she? I need her to drag at least two of you away. Preferably the big ones.
- “SHHHHHHHHH.” God dammit, why you gotta be so loud? We’re at a funeral.
- “Sit.”For five seconds. Please. Just sit while you eat. After that, you can go toilet paper the neighborhood for all I care. My kids are incapable of sitting. You should see the moves they can put on a chair. Everything but their ass goes in the seat. It’s mind-boggling. Don’t you know how chairs work? Is it really that comfortable to do a perma-handstand on the thing?
- “Careful!” You’re juggling knives! YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAUTIOUS ABOUT THAT. Please be careful around the other children when you’ve got that cleaver up in the air. Why don’t we go for a safe, slow ride on a pontoon boat instead? OMG NOT WITH YOUR FEET!
- “You’re fine.” All right, so you juggled the knives, and now half your hand is missing. YOU ARE FINE. Relax. Don’t freak out. You can’t get upset over every little thing, man. My denial of your pain will toughen you up in the long run. If I tell you that you are okay, it is so. WALK IT OFF.
- “We’ll see.” Oh, you want that dog? We’ll see. Disneyworld this year? We’ll see. You’re demanding $500 for picking up those Legos? Hmmm … let me pretend to contemplate that in order to postpone your tantrum for a later date. WE WILL SEE, WE WILL. Are you now placated?
- “Almost there.” Not far now! All I have to do is invent time travel and erase the final, interminable 20 miles of this road trip, and we’ll be home before you know it!
- “NO NO NO DON’T EAT THAT.” Not in your mouth OH JESUS.
- “Now say you’re sorry.” We do NOT amputate our friend’s toes with a cigar cutter. That is mean. Now tell little Timmy you’re sorry for what you’ve done. And use these paper towels to clean up the mess.
- “Did you pee/poop/wash your hands after pooping?” No? Go do that.
[Child goes to the bathroom, returns.]
“Did you do it?”
[Child shakes head.]
“THEN WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING IN THERE?!”
“Well, where’s the last place you had it?” Your room? It’s not in your room. You are an unreliable narrator.
“Please.” Please … just… just please put on your underwear. Please leave the dog alone. Please be good. Please say please. Please please please please let me know I’m doing this right. Please.