Gilbert Gottfried reads ’50 Shades of Grey’ (so you don’t have to)

You all know that “50 Shades of Grey” is just a porn version of “Twilight,” right? And if you thought “Twilight” was great literature, you’ll still think “50 Shades” sucks, and not in the erotic sense.

So, here’s a clip that gives the S&M wannabe the gravitas it deserves (yeah, it’s NSFW)

If you dare pick up this book, you have to read it with that voice in your head as the narrator.

And, why is it that when the movie came out, the advance ticket sales went through the roof in the South?

The highly anticipated big-screen version of EL James‘ best-selling erotic novel is selling more advance tickets than average in many Southern and Midwestern states, according to Fandango. In particular, pre-sales for Fifty Shades are nearly four times better than average pre-sales in Mississippi, the online ticket retailer added. Sales are, similarly, at least two times better than expected in Arkansas, West Virginia, Kentucky, Alabama and Louisiana.

I guess these are Red States because everyone there is going through 50 shades of embarrassment.

A Valentine’s Day message from Japan

Sounds like someone in Tokyo hasn’t had a date in a while (via the Washington Post):

On Saturday, a group whose full name literally translates as the Revolutionary Alliance of Men whom Women Find Unattractive, plans to march in Tokyo’s busy Shibuya district against the cynical evils of the romantic holiday. They will wield bullhorns and banners, and shout slogans against the “passion-based capitalism” that fuels the holiday in Japan and elsewhere, according to the Tokyo Reporter.

“The blood-soaked conspiracy of Valentine’s Day, driven by the oppressive chocolate capitalists, has arrived once again,” declared the group, known by its Japanese acronym Kakuhido, on its Web site.

Now, I’ve got to worry about chocolate capitalists? (Damn you, Godiva!)

Happy Valentine’s Day, I guess?