Gilbert Gottfried reads ’50 Shades of Grey’ (so you don’t have to)

You all know that “50 Shades of Grey” is just a porn version of “Twilight,” right? And if you thought “Twilight” was great literature, you’ll still think “50 Shades” sucks, and not in the erotic sense.

So, here’s a clip that gives the S&M wannabe the gravitas it deserves (yeah, it’s NSFW)

If you dare pick up this book, you have to read it with that voice in your head as the narrator.

And, why is it that when the movie came out, the advance ticket sales went through the roof in the South?

The highly anticipated big-screen version of EL James‘ best-selling erotic novel is selling more advance tickets than average in many Southern and Midwestern states, according to Fandango. In particular, pre-sales for Fifty Shades are nearly four times better than average pre-sales in Mississippi, the online ticket retailer added. Sales are, similarly, at least two times better than expected in Arkansas, West Virginia, Kentucky, Alabama and Louisiana.

I guess these are Red States because everyone there is going through 50 shades of embarrassment.

A Valentine’s Day message from Japan

Sounds like someone in Tokyo hasn’t had a date in a while (via the Washington Post):

On Saturday, a group whose full name literally translates as the Revolutionary Alliance of Men whom Women Find Unattractive, plans to march in Tokyo’s busy Shibuya district against the cynical evils of the romantic holiday. They will wield bullhorns and banners, and shout slogans against the “passion-based capitalism” that fuels the holiday in Japan and elsewhere, according to the Tokyo Reporter.

“The blood-soaked conspiracy of Valentine’s Day, driven by the oppressive chocolate capitalists, has arrived once again,” declared the group, known by its Japanese acronym Kakuhido, on its Web site.

Now, I’ve got to worry about chocolate capitalists? (Damn you, Godiva!)

Happy Valentine’s Day, I guess?

Today in Republican rape logic

Two things: First from the West Virginia House (via Jezebel):

The West Virginia House has begun the process of approving a bill that would ban abortions after 20 weeks in the state; Like other version of the same bill, West Virginia’s proposed law has been dubbed the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act. It’s based on the bunk science that fetuses are capable of feeling pain after 20 weeks, and that pain should trump the desire someone might feel to not carry an unwanted pregnancy to term.

The body’s health committee passed the bill Thursday. But first, as the Charleston Gazette reported, in comments that were picked up by both Huffington Post and Think Progress, Delegate Brian Kurcaba said he couldn’t quite see why there should be an exception in the bill for victims of rape or incest.

“Obviously rape is awful,” Kurcaba said. “What is beautiful is the child that could come from this.”

And now, from the Utah House of Representatives (from the Salt Lake Tribune):

If someone can’t consent, it’s rape.

A Utah measure seeking to make that legal clarification won early approval in a state legislative committee Tuesday, but some lawmakers qualified their support, questioning whether the law would designate sex with an unconscious spouse as rape.

“If an individual has sex with their wife while she is unconscious … a prosecutor could then charge that spouse with rape, theoretically,” said Rep. Brian Greene, R-Pleasant Grove.”That makes sense in a first date scenario, but to me, not where people have a history of years of sexual activity.”

Your GOP in action. Sticking their noses in your lady parts. If you’re unconscious.