Christmas on the other side of the ocean: From David Sedaris

I remember when I first saw Santa’s Helpers in Brussels: white guys in black face.

I thought: That’s weird.

This is what they looked like:

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I guess I should have been insulted, like everyone else appears to be all of a sudden. Which I find odd. I’ve known this European Christmas story for close to 10 years. Found it more entertaining than hearing about a obese guy living with his wife in a really cold place and commanding an army of pointy-eared little people dressed in green.

That seems pretty offensive, right?

christmas-elf-sitting-edge-26624051

Like if you had a choice between being accosted by this or by the black guys up higher, which one would freak you out the most?

And as a parent, I really wish I could have told my kid when he was little: “Look. You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town with a bunch of black guys, and they’re gonna kick your ass if don’t get your act together.”

But, really, I never saw Santa’s helpers beat up kids in Belgium. They never even looked funny at kids. All they did was smile.

And not just on the street. I was at a fancy restaurant in Brussels called La Quincallerie with my boss, who came from the states around the holiday. So we’re having a nice dinner, and a couple of Santa’s Helpers come in, raising money for charity. My boss looks at me, wondering how he should react, and I tell him the story of the Spanish Santa.

Probably didn’t resolve anything. But there was an internal logic to the story.

Unlike the fat guy with a bunch of flying caribou.

But if you want to see a really disturbing Christmas story (Really, don’t watch this if you don’t want to be offended. This is really vile. You have been warned):

I told you not to watch it. Makes the black guys look tame, right?

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