Alternate history: the Civil War

The inspiring light to pump truppets everywhere said this:

I mean had Andrew Jackson been a little later you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to he Civil War, he said “There’s no reason for this.” People don’t realize you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?

There are many things wrong with this but let’s focus on one part by quoting the liberal bias of history:

Andrew Jackson
7th U.S. President
Andrew Jackson was an American soldier and statesman who served as the seventh President of the United States from 1829 to 1837 and was the founder of the Democratic Party. Wikipedia
BornMarch 15, 1767, Waxhaws
American Civil War
The American Civil War was an internal conflict fought in the United States from 1861 to 1865. The Union faced secessionists in eleven Southern states grouped together as the Confederate States of America.Wikipedia
DatesApr 12, 1861 – May 9, 1865

 

Look at when Andrew Jackson died, and look at when the Civil War began.

This is what you did in middle school when you didn’t study the chapters on Andrew Jackson or the Civil War in history class and the teacher hit you with a pop quiz. Unless, of course, the ghost of Andrew Jackson showed up in the White House and told Abe Lincoln, “There’s no reason for this!”

Anything else?

Did anyone know? Uh, yeah. This was also on the pop quiz.

Anything else?

Ok, fuck it, We’ve failed the quiz.

Castaways are jerks (the Hookerpiss edition)

He really can get people to talk about anything. And if you want the full Monty of delusion, you can either look at this:

Or click here, and read this. It’s a doozy! (One highlight: Did you know the orange menace gave the greatest speech ever delivered on the floor of the House of Representatives?)

(An aide talks about the president’s address to Congress.)

TRUMP: A lot of the people have said that, some people said it was the single best speech ever made in that chamber.

In Lugenorange land, Daniel Webster ain’t shit!

The chemistry of Easter eggs (or the lack thereof in D.C.)

What in your bunny basket today? Because you shouldn’t expect anything from the lying orange’s White House this year. Consider this from February:

Look out, Easter Bunny. You may be next.

President Trump hasn’t embraced many of Washington’s traditions. No Alfalfa Club dinner; no White House Correspondents’ Association dinner; no active first lady; no visits to D.C. schools, businesses or restaurants (except the one in his hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue); no trips to Camp David; and very few weekends even spent in Washington.

And the largest annual public event at the White House — the Easter Egg Roll — is still a big mystery.

The logistics that go into security, crowd control, activities and invitations for something this size are insane. Last year, 35,000 parents and children attended. Yet, no one has heard that any of the work is being done on this year’s event with only seven weeks to go.

A website that is not associated with the White House but is obsessed with the Easter Egg roll posted that the roll is set to be held on April 17 and promised that details will soon follow. But go to the official White House website and you get “no results” when you ask about anything Easter-related. And my efforts to reach anyone at the White House about it were unsuccessful.

Parents here in the nation’s capital and around the country keep checking. It’s kinda like waiting to get concert tickets. Only no one’s sure there’s going to even be a concert.

And this is driving parents crazy. February is the season for summer camp planning and entering the Easter Egg Roll lottery. Doesn’t the White House know this? The Trumps have a 10-year-old, after all.

When the godless commie Kenyan Muslim usurper was in the White House, the Easter Egg roll ran without problem. Now that we have a Christian conservative coalition approved pseudo-fascist in the Oval Office, the bunny is screwed.

I mean, who knew an Easter Egg roll could be so complicated?

WASHINGTON — President Trump received an urgent warning in February, informing him of a crucial date he was about to miss.

“FYI manufacturing deadlines for the Easter eggs are near,” said a Twitter post directed at Mr. Trump; the first lady, Melania Trump; and the president’s daughter Ivanka Trump. “Please reach out!”

The message came from Wells Wood Turning & Finishing, the company that supplies commemorative wooden eggs for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, the 138-year-old celebration that has drawn 35,000 people to the South Lawn in recent years.

The staff of the company, based in Buckfield, Me., wondered whether the Trumps planned to continue distributing the wooden eggs as party favors, or whether they were even going to have a White House Easter Egg Roll at all.

By early March, the White House announced that the roll was on — Monday, to be exact — and soon followed up with a rush order for the wooden eggs.

By that time, the ovoid uncertainty had raised a question perhaps not as consequential as investigations into Russian interference in the presidential election, a legally dubious travel ban and a collapsed health care bill, but no less a window into the inner workings of the Trump administration: Could this White House, plagued by slow hiring and lacking an on-site first lady, manage to pull off the largest, most elaborate and most heavily scrutinized public event of the year?

“It’s the single most high-profile event that takes place at the White House each year, and the White House and the first lady are judged on how well they put it on,” said Melinda Bates, who organized eight years of Easter Egg Rolls as director of the White House Visitors Office under President Bill Clinton. “I’m really concerned for the Trump people, because they have failed to fill some really vital posts, and this thing is all hands on deck.”

White House party catastrophes have been the stuff of presidential nightmares in the past. During his first year in office, President Barack Obama drew harsh criticism for lax security procedures after a pair of aspiring reality-show celebrities successfully crashed a state dinnerhonoring the prime minister of India, with one of them managing to buttonhole Mr. Obama for a handshake.

The late start in planning by the Trump White House points to a smaller and less ambitious Egg Roll than in previous years. There may be half as many guests, a fraction of the number of volunteers to manage the invasion of the South Lawn, and military bands in place of A-list entertainers like Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande, Idina Menzel and Silentó who have performed for Egg Rolls past.

This is how bad things have gotten

Even George W. Bush (the Dumber) has some choice words for the Lugenorange (via Jezebel):

President Donald Trump, a soggy Cheeto in a broken toilet bowl, gave a speech at his inauguration that really blew everyone’s socks off as it gushed forcefully from his windbag mouth. Even former President George W. Bush, who is not considered one of the great orators of our time, was disturbed.

Yashar Ali of New York Magazinealleges that three different people in attendance told him they heard Bush assess Trump’s speech as he scampered off the dais. Short, but sweet:

“That was some weird shit.”

This means the guy who wasn’t fit to be president believes the current president isn’t fit to be president.

So how’s that working out for the rest of us?

(Oh! and “Soggy Cheeto in a broken toilet bowl” is pure poetry!)

Remember when we had a real president?

Via Vox:

The utter failure of Paul Ryan and Donald Trump to pass a bill rolling back the Affordable Care Act makes one thing perfectly clear: love him or hate him, Barack Obama is one of the most consequential presidents in American history — and that he will be a particularly towering figure in the history of American progressivism.

He signed into law a comprehensive national health insurance bill, a goal that had eluded progressive presidents for a century — and built it strong enough to withstand assaults from the Supreme Court and avoid repeal from a Republican administration. He got surprisingly tough reforms to Wall Street passed as well, not to mention a stimulus package that both blunted the recession and transformed education and energy policy.

He’s put in place the toughest climate rules in American history and signed a major international climate accord. He opened the US to Cuba for the first time in more than half a century, and reached a peaceful settlement to the nuclear standoff with Iran.

You can celebrate or bemoan these accomplishments. Liberals hail them as moves toward a social democratic welfare state and a foreign policy more skeptical of military intervention; conservatives critique Obama’s efforts to expand regulation and the government’s reach, and accuse him of abdicating America’s role as world hegemon.

But no one can deny that the changes Obama has wrought are enormous in scale.

And it was only four months ago.